Mmmmmmm.....Pasta and Shrimp......Mmmmmmm

Today was weigh-in day over at Calorie King for me.

For the first time I had a gain. It was a weird gain. A loss actually...315, last Saturday's weigh-in was 316. But on Thursday I was at 312. I know what happened. I was sick the beginning of the week. The kind of sick that leaves you dehydrated. Apparently I'm no longer dehydrated. Because yesterday morning I still weighed 312. No chance I gained three pounds fat in one day. I either have regained the hydration I lost, or I'm bloated.

And yet even knowledge didn't keep that damn scale from knocking me on my ass most of today.

Here's what finally knocked me out of my funk:

The last straw on the camel's back that caused me to decide to lose some weight happened the end of April. I had to go to a fancy luncheon thing with Kevin. I went and bought two shirts in the size up from what I've always worn there. I knew I'd gained some weight, so I just went with the next size without trying anything on. When I got home, they didn't fit. The size up, the largest size available, was too small. A week or so later I did the same damn thing with a skirt. The largest available size was slightly too small. We're talking a 26 here.

That was seriously upsetting.

Well my ex-husband has the big kids tonight, so Kevin and I went out to dinner. On a whim I tried on both of those shirts and the skirt.

The skirt fit perfectly, where on May 1 it wouldn't zip up. The tops fit better...I could get them on. Five more pounds and they'll be a perfect fit.

I felt like I was flying. Because scale-schmale...those too-small clothes fit! Pants that were tight around my waist are looser.

My body is changing. Slowly, surely. It's changing.

Then we went to Olive Garden and I did not binge. Do you know how hard it is to go to Olive Garden and not binge? Yeah. It's damn hard.

I wanted badly to follow Dr. Oliver-Pyatt's advice and order what I wanted without 'dieting.' I couldn't do it. I'm not recovered enough yet to have a huge plate of Fettucini Alfredo with shrimp in front of me and not eat beyond being full. I'm getting there, but I'm not there yet.

So I ordered Shrimp Primevera and I only ate half of the pasta, maybe 1/3 of the sauce. Course I didn't leave any shrimp behind...that would be just silly. But I did share with Ruby. I only had 2 bread sticks, no alfredo sauce with them either.

I would have skipped the bread...but I didn't have lunch (we went out to eat at four because Kevin had to work) and I was starved. I'm still learning...I should have had lunch and not let myself get that hungry.

But I stopped eating as soon as I was full. And I'm well below my calories for today.

My OA sponser asked me to describe what abstinance means to me. I told her that to me an abstinant day is a day in which I eat when I'm hungry, stop eating when I'm full, and don't binge. I think I may end up adding "and don't weigh myself" to that. I can't let a number get me down like it did today.

One last thing. Part of my recovery is to stop hiding my problem. So I'm going to say that I'm surprised to find that I have a couple of very bulima-ish tricks up my sleeve. I've never seen them that way before. But something I read in Dr. Stacey's blog (see my side bar 'every woman has an eating disorder') made me start thinking about it.

Taking medical laxatives and throwing up aren't the only ways to purge. Last night, knowing that I would have an 'offical' weigh-in today, I ate two cups of cherries. I have IBS and there are certain foods that have a very, very laxative effect on me. Cherries tops the list. Unfortunately, my plan back-fired and instead of getting rid of the food in my system, they bloated me. I honestly don't believe I have enough of a purge-habit to count as a bulimic. I have never abused laxatives (the med kind) or made myself throw up, or tried to work off all my calories. But the disordered thinking that led to me nearly binging on cherries for their laxative properties is an eye-opener for me. It's the same disordered thinking that made at least part of my brain glad I was sick so that I could get rid of the heavy food I'd eaten at the buffet.