Once Upon a Fat Girl

Monday, June 12, 2006

Faking It

I'm afraid.

If I stop weighing myself, will I stop losing? If I stop writing down every bite that goes in my mouth, will I gain back all I've lost? If I stop caring, will I end up so fat that the local news will come tape the fire department cutting away a wall of my house to lift me out so that I can go to the hospital for an emergency, life-saving weight loss surgery? (Deep breath.)

I don't want to be afraid. I much prefer being optimistic and happy with small progress. I would much, much prefer to stop weighing myself every morning and several times during the day.

I have a morning weighing ritual. I always, always weigh myself very first thing in the morning--after I pee, but before I drink anything. I actually choose my pajamas for their light-weightedness.

I live in the desert. It's a dry heat, you know. I always lose a lot of water overnight and wake up desperate to pee and so thirsty my throat is sticky and sore. (And I'm always surprised when I go somewhere outside the desert to wake up without that feeling.) If I have to pee during the night--like when Kevin gets home from work and goes to bed at 4 a.m.--I will not drink unless I am so thirsty that I can't get back to sleep. If I must drink I take a swallow. I never drink my fill until after I've weighed myself. Ever.

That isn't normal. It can't be. Fuck. I'm a neurotic mess.

If I have a small gain from day to day, I automatically calculate when my next period is due. Within a week? I can relax. It's just PMS. Then I think back to what I ate the night before. Anything real salty? How about cheese or something else to activate my lactose intolerance? Something with too much grease that might have kicked in my IBS, even if I didn't go over my calories for the day? Do my hands feel swollen and stiff, like they do when I'm retaining water? If I can identify something--anything--then despite my weighing ritual, I don't let a gain ruin my day. I am a naturally optimistic person, and will reach for any excuse not to be upset all day.

If I show a loss? Forget about it. I'm full of light and rainbows and unicorns all day long. Until the next night, when I force myself to go back to bed thirsty so that I can get an "accurate weight" in the morning.

Damn. That's it. When Kevin wakes up, I'm asking him to hide the damn scales. (Yes, two scales. An digital one and a regular one. You know, for the sake of accuracy.)

The point is to stop the insanity of dieting, binging, compulsive overeating--and compulsive weighing. The point is to be sane. Losing weight is a side effect, not the main dish.

I'm going to have to fake that, until it's true.

What's your weighing ritual?


Blogger better said...

weighing ritual: the shorter story:
weigh myself. Feel anxiety right up and past my eyeballs. Remember that weighing myself is similar to spanking a small child to make him stop crying. Hide the scale in the garage, the back seat of the car that we no longer use, in a box. That way, my senses will kick in before I go outside in the wee, dark hours of a dark Canadian winter to fish the damn thing out to weigh myself.
Keep the scale in there until one day when the little voice inside me begins to SHOUT and I just have to know the number. Wait til no one is looking (esp hubbie, since he knows that the scale is a drug for me), get it out of hiding in the garage. WEigh myself, first thing in the morning, after I pee, bare, stark naked, and before even a cup of coffee (my life blood). If I'm the same weight that I was the last weigh in, or lighter, I'm on top of the world, powerful. If I'm up, its cold hard fear. My mind begins to circulate different weight loss options, then I have to put in a bunch of effort to remember that dieting is evil. Then I hide the scale again.
Sometimes, I get exhausted living with me.

9:57 AM  
Anonymous Laura Bora from Bufadora said...

Back in 1995 my OA sponsor told me to only weigh myself once a month to take away the POWER of the SCALE. Back then I complied.

Now? I weigh myself ONLY in the morning, AFTER I pee, before I put on clothes. I have to be totally naked or it won't count.

Then I weigh myself exactly three times to make sure that it's not some weird digital fluke.

I do this about twice a week.

10:06 AM  

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