No More Dieting

I spent some time yesterday reading OPB (Other People's Blogs.)

You know what? It's harder than it looks to stick to a decision to give up dieting. Really. I've lost about a dozen pounds in five weeks. And damn, it is so hard to be happy with that. Especially when I read how other people are losing faster. Also it's really hard to give up behaviors and thought patterns that have been with me for my entire adult life.

So I tell myself that it's better to lose slowly. And I know it is. It's more likely to be lasting. It's less likely to disorient me (I can't imagine how weird it would be to lose 50 or 60 pounds in three months. It would be like seeing yourself melt I'd think.) If I lose slowly, my skin will have a better chance of recovering and I'll be less likely to have it hanging from my belly to my knees.

The struggle is to remember that this is not even about weight loss. It's about recovery from COE (Compulsive Overeating.) A return to sanity, where food is not the boss of me anymore. I want to be able to grocery shop and not feel like I'm being watched by boxes of Oatmeal Creme Pies and Twinkies.

One the flip side, not dieting rocks. I feel fantastic. I have tons of energy and I'm feeling physically very strong. I feel very in control of my life, and in a good way--not in a hanging-on-by-the-skin-of-my-teeth way. You know what I'm talking about don't you? That death-grip kind of control that makes you feel brittle, as if one bite of a chocolate chip cookie will break you into a million pieces.

No. Slow and easy is better. The weight loss is coming. It took most of my life to get to 323 pounds. If it takes two years to get it off, that's ok.

I have found it very helpful to visualize myself healthy. By healthy I mean at my goal weight, non-obsessed with food, athletic and strong. I lay in bed at night and imagine what it would feel like to be a little less than half as big as I am now. To take up that much less space.

At 150 pounds I won't be invisible anymore. Will I like the attention? Will such a drastic physical change be strange? How long will it take me to trust that the change is permanent? Will it be permanent? It should be. The amount of calories I'm eating right now are enough to maintain a moderately active 150-pound woman.

I thought I'd share a little list of indulgences that I've been quietly adding to over the past five weeks:

1. Blue Cheese. Feta, too. One or two tablespoons on a salad turns boring into gourmet without out busting the calorie bank.

2. Lifesavers. I like the big, individually wrapped ones...pepp-o-mint. Mmmm. One after each meal has helped me to train myself to stop eating when the meal is done. That minty taste signals the end of the meal. Plus, they are sweet enough to feel like a treat.

3. Fruit. Normally, I'm an apple/orange/banana girl. Just the basics, the cheap stuff. But the past several weeks I've been buying fancier, more expensive fruits. Like cherries and strawberries and blackberries. And eating grapefruit for breakfast. Like I tell my husband, cherries may be $3.99 a pound, but that's the hell of a lot less expensive than weight loss surgery.

4. El Pollo Loco. A chicken breast from there only has 158 calories and tastes so good.

5. Newman's Own Lighten Up Italian. Oh god...this stuff is fantastic. Better than most regular Italian dresssings.

6. Artichoke hearts. Scrumptious, and again, they make a salad gourmet for very few calories.

7. Fruit-a-Freeze bars. Particularily pineapple. Heaven for 70 calories.

8. Amy's frozen enchiladas. They taste like real Mexican food for a non-scary number of calories and are the highest quality frozen dinner I've found.

9. Cedarlane frozen chicken tamales. See above. Mmmmm!

10. Brown rice. Who knew that this would turn into one of my favorite foods. I like the short grain kind, mixed with dried cranberries, slivered almonds, soy sauce, white wine vinegar, and worchestershire sauce. Seriously yummy, especially stuffed in a green pepper. Brown rice is chewy and satisfying, and a WHOLE grain!

What are your little indulgences?