Random Thoughts

I went to the gym today again, and I've decided that I'm not at the point of being able to do heavy workouts two days in a row yet. I'm not sore, but I'm exhausted. It's better to stick with the three a week and retain my enthusiasm I think.

I did twenty minutes on the bike, ten on the treadmill, and for the first time in fifteen years I swam laps. Five laps. That's all I had. I felt like I was dying by the end of number five. Even after a decent rest, I couldn't do anymore. It was my arms that gave out. I have a new appreciation for the amount of upperbody/back strength I must have had when I was a competitive swimmer. I used to do twenty laps as a warm-up.

I have been paying close attention to calories lately, because I have a daily goal of staying at or slightly under 2000 calories.

I've often wondered how the hell I managed to get up to 323 pounds in the first place. I honestly didn't believe I was eating all THAT much. And then today I went to the grocery store and was confronted with a display of single-serving Little Debbies cakes. Oatmeal Creme Pies are my absolute favorite treat in the world. In the past I've eaten three or four at a time. They aren't very big...and oh my god do they taste good cold out of the fridge. MMMM. So I thought...I've worked my ass off at the gym two days in a row. I'm hungry. I want one.

Then I looked at the back. One pie has 300 calories. Four pies then...twelve hundred calories! I was eating that as a SNACK.

I've spent so much time in the past fifteen years or so feeling sorry for myself. Wondering why I have to be the fat one. Why I can't just be normal. The past couple of years I'd convinced myself I had a thyroid problem, or some other hormonal imbalance that was making me fat.

When really? It was the 4000 or so calories I was eating everyday.

I had Subway for lunch today. A six-inch Subway Club with avacado (no oil), baked Ruffles, and a cookie: 593 calories. (Lunch is my big meal of the day, I usually have a light dinner.)

My normal Subway order: A foot-long Italian BMT with oil and vinegar, salt and vinegar chips, and a cookie: 1389 calories.

After lunch today I was full, but not sick. After what I normally would have ordered at Subway, I would have had a stomach ache.

The funny thing is, I still am having slight anxiety over NOT having that stomach-ache-fullness. I'm handling it. And I think my stomach is shrinking, because I'm feeling fuller on the smaller portions than I was a month ago. But I still get a little twinge of panic when my meal is finished and I still have room. One thing that's helping is knowing that I can have a snack between lunch and dinner if I need to. For some reason that stretch of time between just after I finish lunch to when it's close to being late enough to eat dinner is hard for me.