Once Upon a Fat Girl

Monday, June 05, 2006

Random Thoughts

I went to the gym today again, and I've decided that I'm not at the point of being able to do heavy workouts two days in a row yet. I'm not sore, but I'm exhausted. It's better to stick with the three a week and retain my enthusiasm I think.

I did twenty minutes on the bike, ten on the treadmill, and for the first time in fifteen years I swam laps. Five laps. That's all I had. I felt like I was dying by the end of number five. Even after a decent rest, I couldn't do anymore. It was my arms that gave out. I have a new appreciation for the amount of upperbody/back strength I must have had when I was a competitive swimmer. I used to do twenty laps as a warm-up.

I have been paying close attention to calories lately, because I have a daily goal of staying at or slightly under 2000 calories.

I've often wondered how the hell I managed to get up to 323 pounds in the first place. I honestly didn't believe I was eating all THAT much. And then today I went to the grocery store and was confronted with a display of single-serving Little Debbies cakes. Oatmeal Creme Pies are my absolute favorite treat in the world. In the past I've eaten three or four at a time. They aren't very big...and oh my god do they taste good cold out of the fridge. MMMM. So I thought...I've worked my ass off at the gym two days in a row. I'm hungry. I want one.

Then I looked at the back. One pie has 300 calories. Four pies then...twelve hundred calories! I was eating that as a SNACK.

I've spent so much time in the past fifteen years or so feeling sorry for myself. Wondering why I have to be the fat one. Why I can't just be normal. The past couple of years I'd convinced myself I had a thyroid problem, or some other hormonal imbalance that was making me fat.

When really? It was the 4000 or so calories I was eating everyday.

I had Subway for lunch today. A six-inch Subway Club with avacado (no oil), baked Ruffles, and a cookie: 593 calories. (Lunch is my big meal of the day, I usually have a light dinner.)

My normal Subway order: A foot-long Italian BMT with oil and vinegar, salt and vinegar chips, and a cookie: 1389 calories.

After lunch today I was full, but not sick. After what I normally would have ordered at Subway, I would have had a stomach ache.

The funny thing is, I still am having slight anxiety over NOT having that stomach-ache-fullness. I'm handling it. And I think my stomach is shrinking, because I'm feeling fuller on the smaller portions than I was a month ago. But I still get a little twinge of panic when my meal is finished and I still have room. One thing that's helping is knowing that I can have a snack between lunch and dinner if I need to. For some reason that stretch of time between just after I finish lunch to when it's close to being late enough to eat dinner is hard for me.

6 Comments:

Blogger kathrynoh said...

I think it's good not to do heavy workouts two days in a row, ever. Your body needs time to recover so you get the benefits of working out.

It's amazing when you start counting calories - so many things you think aren't *that* bad really are - I've actually dropped stuff out of my hands in the supermarket when I've been reading labels as though the calories will jump through the packaging! On the plus side, some things you think are real no-nos, end up being not so bad after all.

5:31 PM  
Blogger Living to Feel Good said...

Good job on the gym and the swim. That's one thing I miss. Okay actually I miss both , but I'd really like to do some swimming.

It's amazing how fast those little snacks add up isn't it?

You are doing great, and I still love reading your blog! :)

5:42 PM  
Blogger snackiepoo said...

When I first started my journey, I was at 339 too and the day I did my first weigh-in, I felt so sick to my stomach and had to hold back the tears.

I realized quickly that what I had been eating had no nutritional value and was so bad for me...I was eating fast food twice a day and tons of Starbucks with scones and mumma stuff.

The fact is that you are doing this and you are rocking it! Isn't it great that you have all of this stuff at your disposal now?

8:08 PM  
Anonymous jill said...

You know...I can totally relate. I haven't been 'journaling' nor have I been losing weight. My "little treats" aren't usually counted for what they really are when I don't write them down! You have such a great attitude...I wish you the best of luck! Jill

9:49 PM  
Blogger Amazon Alanna said...

What an amazing piece of self-realizaton! Most people can never look at themselves or their actions with such a clear and observant eye. Fab job.

As for training, I wouldn't do 2 heavy workouts in a row, even though I did last week resulting in a twig-like feeling in my arms. You did the right thing by keeping it a bit challenging, but not "all out"

5:19 AM  
Blogger Jen said...

I used to wonder the same thing! How did this happen to ME? Hmm..could it have been the fact that I was sneaking food? Could it have been that in a few short months I was matching my husband bite for bite? (and by the way that jerk can eat almost anything, lol) I ate the same way...eating until I felt sick instead of being just satisfied. I'm changing that now :)

7:57 AM  

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