Once Upon a Fat Girl

Tuesday, December 05, 2006


Well I didn't weigh myself today because SOMEONE (Kevin) put the scale away somewhere and I can't find it. I'm fairly confident that I did what I meant to do and maintained.

I got my hair cut today (it feels five pounds lighter, so who knows, maybe I did lose! HAHAHA) The lady that cut it wasn't my regular girl, but she said the same thing my regular girl says to me every time. Why did I wait so long to come back? I have really long hair, to the middle of my back or so. It's curly, so it's pretty dry. I usually don't even consider getting it cut until the layers are so grown out and the ends are so fried, I'm looking like a stoner. Until I have no choice but to keep my hair in a sort of messy bun thing all the time because there is nothing else I can do with it. Then I think...Oh, yeah, I should probably get my hair cut this weekend.

She also said that I'm shedding, which is true. I have been since I had Ruby. That's two years and I'm not sure how I'm not completely bald. We're talking handfuls of hair every time I take a shower or put a brush through my hair (which isn't often.)

She recommended that I get my thyroid checked.

So I realized something today. I hate confronting myself. I don't really mind confrontation with other people (except for a few very close relatives and friends that I can't stand the thought of being mad at me, which is an entirely different post.) I'm a Scorpio through and through, I have the habit of being overly blunt.

Anyway, I realized today that the reason I not only don't get my hair cut regularly (I go maybe twice a year), but actually block the idea of it out of my mind, is that I really really really had looking at myself in the mirror for a prolonged period of time. I sit there and really notice how fat I am, how horrible I look. I pick out faults.

The only other thing that I utterly block out of my mind is the dentist. I am petrified of the dentist beyond anything I've ever seen in anyone else. I actually have panic attacks. I finally found a dentist who will put you to sleep and had like fifteen years of dental work (including two root canals) done in one fell swoop. He gave me a tranqualizer to take before I was put to sleep. Yes, it's that bad. And now? I broke my damn tooth. And what do I do? Think about calling the dentist like clock work, at 5:30 p.m. every night. Unreal.

Anyway. I also realized that I haven't been back to a doctor to have my thyroid checked since the last disastrous time when Ruby was 6 months old because I don't want to be lectured about my weight. Because that's what happened the first time. The doctor told me to stop trying to self-diagnose on Google and get some exercise. It was humiliating and I haven't been to a doctor since. Even though I have everyone of the symptoms of Hypothyroid, even the thinning eyebrows.

When I went back then my blood tests came back normal. I think that it was too close to my being pregnant with Ruby. I have this thing where when I'm pregnant I lose bunches of weight. Like 40 to 50 pounds. And then a few months later it piles back on plus about 40 pounds at an alarming rate despite no change in my diet. So I did some research (yah on Google, doc) and turns out that sometimes during pregnancy your thyroid can be overactive, then go underactive afterward.

Anyway, after Christmas I'm going. Maybe before, because my ear hurts today and if I have an ear infection I'll just bring it up at the same time.

P.S. Thanks for the advice on organizing my writing. It's coming along :)

P.S.S. Has anyone read the book Beyond Oil by Kenneth Deffeyres (or something like that)? It's insanely freaky. I saw the paperback edition at Barnes and Nobel and read the updated prologue. In the hardback he estimates Thanksgiving 2005 as the date Peak Oil will happen. In the paperback prologue, which was written in 2006, he says that his (incredibly mathematical) equations show that we actually did reach peak oil in mid-December 2005. Wondering how it could pass and not make much of an impact? Well, it wasn't officially recognized that the US reached peak oil in 1971 until 1973. Check out the movie End of Suburbia if you can, the guy that wrote the book is in it.


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